Smeltmill Beck Cave
Sunday 27/11/16
Chris Scaife, Alex Ritchie, Darren Jarvis, Carolina Smith, John Proctor
One by one they all turned back, except for Xaaaaaaaaaaaaandah and his heterosexual alter ego.

After our annual dinner at the Black Bull in Kirkby Stephen, we settled on a refreshing hangover cure. Ignoring the fact that all other accounts of this cave seem to be from warm, dry summer days, we thought we would sample this delightful Grade 2 trip at its diluvial best. We went into the deep icy water and first explored the short alternative wet section to the left, up to Crab Grotto. The water levels were clearly very high and much of this detour was spent with faces touching both ceiling and water simultaneously, which was enough to repel the first victim, Professor Proctor.

We then headed for The Ducks. Daz_of_Brief_Hydrophilia stormed ahead, launching himself through the low airspaces with no trepidation. Carolina pushed on a bit, but had a change of heart where the airspace got particularly low. Down to three, we got through with our helmets off, with several prolonged sections where one side of our faces touched the ceiling and the other brushed against the water. It´s not like we haven´t done this sort of thing before, but it was bloody cold. Daz_of_Sudden_Speleophobia made the remarkable decision of turning back just after the ducks, when all that was left was walking passage.

So I trod with Xander, my homosexual alter ego, through a wonderfully decorated streamway, as though we were the last two men on Earth. Wherever possible we traversed above the stream, although any attempts to stay dry were rather futile as we would always be back in the water a few seconds later. Being so cold and drenched, we moved through the long passage fast but still managed to enjoy some marvellous calcite. On the return we hastened through the frigorific ducks and were soon back in the world.

Perhaps one dry summer´s day we will return and see this cave´s more welcoming side, but for now I feel that that could only detract from the memories of our Poseidon Adventure.